ed. xi vol. i
black history month is here which means mcdonald's & coca cola are playin their most "urban" commercials (as if they don't market to black folks enough) and black folks are continuing to shine. from the obama portraits to my twist out to black panther to quincy spilling all the tea to reaching true homebody status and not leaving my house for 4 days. to janet jackson appreciation day to aasia lashay bullock dropping the no babies video. black folks are showing out. still. again. and i am here for it. for me, february is a benchmark. a time that i love to perform new work that explores or attempts to make sense of new or different parts of myself. this year i feel stretched in new and old, scary ways. i am trying to remind myself. thru tears. that i know fear all too well and that my wants and needs lay beyond fear. keep pushing, sis...
like all editions of the brown pages. i hope you enjoy 'em.
tho' it has been over a year since i began this journey. committing myself to understanding and embodying as fully as possible the life and work of Audre Lorde, it still feels like i have only began. to change takes an immense amount of dedication. effort.i have been striving towards transformation. towards living...differently. attempting to place into practice the essence of "Uses of the Erotic" and "Poetry is not a Luxury". i believe to my core in the words that she spoke, wrote, and lived.
there are many silences within me. pain that fear keeps me from unearthing. (my) truths that i fear will hurt or anger. upset. others.
the act of caring for myself takes more effort than i thought. more awareness more listening. more speaking up. it is much easier (for me) to hide. to fold my body into a ball. to shallow words. to place myself last. that comes easy.
to care for myself means to also love myself. to apply the same compassion i would to others to ME. this isn’t a profound notion but to place into practice feels profound.
the actual act of loving ourselves, unconditionally isn't as easy as simply quoting rupaul and running a bath. at least not for me.
it is speaking to myself as if i am speaking to a sister. and listening to myself the same.
it is carving time into stillness. closed eyes and settled breathe. traveling through skin to fight holy wars.
“what are the words you do not yet have?”
thank you audre lorde for leaving behind a blueprint for me to follow. a life and work that reflects such deep strength, courage, truth, dedication, love, light, and connection. i am grateful for your "burst of light" that leads me through immense darkness towards healing and growth.